I don’t care how weird your friend is. I don’t want to date him.

“Bandwagon’s full – please catch another.” – Fall Out Boy

I’m not sure where to begin with this one, especially since I quoted a Fall Out Boy song. Which means I’m off to a good start, obviously.

It seems that more and more often, people have been concerned by the fact that I am not dating. Or more specifically, that I do not have a boyfriend. (Dating, I guess, implies one thing. On the other hand, a singular person to whom I can be attached at the hip is quite another.)

What fascinates me about this collective worry is not the concern itself, but the way in which (well meaning) people try to configure a solution to the problem (if there is, in fact, a problem).

Recently, I have heard the following:

“Amanda, I have a friend whom you might like. I know you like coffee, and he has a coffee cup tattooed on his hand.”

“Amanda, I have a friend who is finalizing his divorce.”

“You know what she needs? A troublemaker. No. Not a troublemaker. A guy who will walk with her and someone who reads books. So he could like, read books to her?”

“My friend’s friend’s cousin found someone on Craigslist. You should try there.”

“You like music, don’t you? I know this guy who plays in a band. He’s sort of  ‘let himself go’ … but he’s really talented!”

“… Wait. Are you a lesbian? You’re a lesbian, right?”

“Well, when you’re 35 and still single, you won’t be so picky.”

Sigh. Ok. Just because I like coffee doesn’t mean I want to date someone who has a tattoo of it on their hand. That… is just weird.

If someone is finalizing their divorce – they probably should stay away from the dating. Just sayin’.

I do not need anyone to read to me. I’ve been reading just fine since I was three. If I become blind, or am trying to read a foreign language, then someone who can read to me aloud may be a desirable trait.

I am leery of online matchmaking. Especially Craigslist. Craigslist advertises strange things, like a guy who wants to pretend like he’s having sex with his sister.  Call me crazy, but I don’t foresee a happy union with that one.

I love music. Really, I do. Do I want to date your friend who plays the triangle?? Probably not.

I am not a lesbian, but would there be anything wrong if I was? Does being a single female imply homosexuality? (and from the crowd: “that sounds like something a lesbian would say.”)

Lastly, if I’m still single at 35, I’ll try Craigslist.

Really, do not worry if I am not dating. I promise you, people, that I am sane. When I am ready, I will date. And maybe even procure a boyfriend, that magical, mythical creature. I have my reasons for not dating at this current time. I’m not going to say that I’m dating myself – that saying, in my opinion, is foolish – you date yourself 365 days a year, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day whether you’re single, fuck buddies, Facebook official, married, divorced, widowed, straight or gay.

I am just single.

And somehow, I live.

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4 thoughts on “I don’t care how weird your friend is. I don’t want to date him.

  1. Reneé Kazmar says:

    I had been wondering if people were still bugging you about that. I guess they think they’re being caring but it’s really not their business. You’re a big girl, I’m pretty sure you can figure out if you want a boyfriend. And if you still don’t have one when you’re 35–which excuse me, but that is a long time off for you! You’re not even 30 yet! You’re not even in your late 20s yet!! Oh sorry, if you don’t have a BF at 35, then who cares! You have to do what’s right for you. So, that’s what I think as I give my opinion like always. 😉

  2. Ken Troop says:

    Amanda — I know a guy for you. He’s just out of prison, but I mean, it was just one dog. Two at most. Weird that they send people to prison for that, huh? Anyway, I forwarded this post to him and he said, “Perfect, she’s exactly my type. What was her name again? Ennh, doesn’t matter.” You’ll be hearing from him soon, I forwarded him your phone number because I knew you two would hit it off.

    Cheers! Your big brother.

  3. […] had someone at work tell me that I needed to date someone who reads books. (Not the first time this has […]

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