Being Sad Blows.

“You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.” – Anais Nin

Not to be all Debbie Downer about these things, but lately, I’ve just felt so sad.

Recent events have something to do with it, yes. And I recently posted on Twitter how you have the option to choose your mood, but can’t others make you feel a certain way? Do they have an obligation to make you feel better?

My guess is no. No one has any obligation to you, even if you feel they should – it’s a choice they make, and quite frankly, some people don’t (and some people say they might, and don’t follow through). Would it be easier if you only had an obligation to yourself?

So – I will say this. I wish I was kinder to me. If someone needs to be kinder to you, why not start with yourself?

Believe me. I’m in no position to do any motivational speaking, and so I’m not preaching. This is not the beginning of a self-help book, I will not start doing infomercials, and I will not be counseling the members of Jersey Shore.

But I do know this: 9 times out of 10, I begin my day with some sort of negative thought. If I wake up late, I criticize myself for not going to bed earlier. If I don’t cook breakfast or even eat anything for breakfast, I criticize myself, and think of the unhealthy food I’ll most likely eat when I’m starving later. If I can’t get my contacts in within 2 minutes, I criticize myself. If my hair looks stupid, it’s my fault. If my clothes look weird, then I’m fat. If I miss all routes for public transportation, then I blame myself for not driving. If I have to take a cab, then I blame myself for spending money.

All of this negativity… and it’s all in the first hour of my day.

And yet, I am constantly looking for other people to tell me how I am. Strangely, I’m more willing to accept the criticism, because it’s easier. Easier to place blame on my own stupidity. I love compliments (really, who doesn’t?), but truth be told they make me really nervous. If I did something AWESOME once, can I repeat it with the same amount of AWESOMENESS?

And most of the time, I will go out of my way to make someone else feel better. Again, I’m not trying to portray myself as Christ. “Someone else” is usually someone I know and am generally close to. I feel like it’s the nice thing to do, and that maybe in some way – even in the distant future – it’ll be reciprocated. If it’s not, shame on me, I guess, but it’s a worthy risk to take.

But why is it that I’m so willing to do for other people, yet I can’t even say nice things about myself? If my best friend is sad, I’ll probably bring over a movie, some wine, and some chocolate. If I’m sad and I soothe myself with a movie, some wine, and some chocolate, then I’m lazy and unproductive, I have no friends because I’m watching a movie alone, I’m a burgeoning alcoholic AND I’m a fat ass who can’t put down the damn chocolate.

IT IS SO EASY TO BE NEGATIVE. IT IS SO EASY TO BE SAD. And really, it just makes me tired, and alienated. And I don’t even look good when I cry. I don’t know how to be kinder to myself, but maybe someday I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I don’t think it’d hurt if people were kinder to each other.

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