“This is your life. This is your time.” – Snow Patrol
Lest you think that, by the title, this is just a regular list of New Year resolutions, let me assure you that while it IS! it is not. I’ll offer a bit of explanation by saying this: I am one of “those” people who tries to learn by reading instead of doing, only to end up doing anyway.
So, at the current moment, I have not one, but THREE books about running (one’s a loan from someone). It should go without saying that the only way to learn how to run is to run. But I do enjoy reading about it. I have a 30-minute-meal book for dummies. I’m not so bad in the kitchen, but I wish I was better. I did not enjoy the book as much as I thought I would, because it assumes a lot about its reader (mainly, that the reader knows stuff I do not, in fact, know). So I realized I’m better off just making mistakes and sometimes it works out for me.
The reason I bring all of this up is that I went to Barnes & Noble the other day. I like to peruse all sections, seeing if something catches my eye. My eye caught a book called “The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency” by Melody Beattie. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “This bitch is so crazy that she went and bought a self-help book?” To you I say, “You bet your ass I did.”
It was the title that attracted me, as everyone and their mother (and even my father!) thinks that I need to let things go. And you know what? I’d honestly like to let things go. I’m not a grudge-holding person. I make the decision to forgive and love more often that I do not (I’m not perfect; however. There are DEFINITE exceptions).
I just remember things. A lot. And those things hold a fair amount of sadness and anger. Which are both very weighted emotions. I’d like let go of some of that. To accept that, if I cannot control something today, I probably won’t be able to control it tomorrow, and that I might be ok with it one day and might not the next. And it’s all alright.
So. Day 1. Beattie suggests writing down all of the goals I have – inner, outer, life, love, career, everything. She says that by doing so, “…we are trying to give direction to our life.”
-Lose (more) weight. I plan to continue exercising. I need to work on this food thing. Food is my enemy. By the way, I have (approximately) four diet books. The only one I tried to work with was South Beach. Boyfriend at the time cooked all my meals and even so I got bored by the end of the week.
-To write more. My intention for these meditations are twofold. 1) to help me, obviously. 2) to write about the experience. Since these are daily, that’s 365 blog posts, and 365 times I would write more than not… Oh, wait. It’s a leap year. 366.
-Along the same vein – to not be afraid to express my creativity. I have a book in progress that, as each day passes, collects metaphorical dust. I have two guitars and one keyboard that collects actual dust. I know that I can write, that I can play, that I can sing. I’m afraid to do all three. Why? I’m not sure, but there’s definite fear attached.
-To find myself worthy, at all times, no matter what.
-To enter into a relationship that is strongly reciprocal, in good, kind, refreshing ways.
-To be ok with silence. Inner/Outer.
-To not be so hard on myself.
-To read more.
-To explore this and other cities.
-To not procrastinate… as much.
-To handle stress better.
-To. Grow. Up. Amanda. (yup. still thinking about that.)
-To accept that even if I want something to happen, it might not. There is no “express delivery” in real matters of life.
I can’t think of anything else, right now. So, 2012 – welcome. I hope we can handle each other.