“Who needs a dream? Who needs ambitions? Who’d be the fool in my position?” – “Where I Want to Be” from the musical Chess.
The character of Anatoly in the musical Chess is a very good Russian player. Although he’s very talented, he is plagued by doubts of failure and truth in his life. I am not one who lives a life ruled by fear, but I do allow fear to stop me from progressing at times. In writing about fear, Beattie says, “Relax…Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it – whatever it is.”
Most often, the things I fear get in the way of my creativity. I – strangely? – have a fear of success, I think. If it weren’t for fear, I’m not saying I would automatically succeed, but I might have the confidence to try.
I’m a good writer, but I don’t write often enough. A few months ago, I applied to a Masters program. I wasn’t accepted, but I was encouraged to write more. I haven’t continued writing my book since.
The subject of that book would have been 28 today. He died almost 3 years ago, and I’m still trying to figure it all out. I live with the fear that the more time passes, the more I will forget who he was to me. I live with the fear that moving on means forgetting him completely.
Is there nothing to fear but fear itself? I wonder what the harm would be. Maybe it would be freeing.
In the interest of dealing with this and other fears, I’m trying very hard to jump, or at the very least, hop. I’ve returned to music lessons after almost a year away. I’ve successfully managed to keep my New Year’s resolution to write a blog post every day – maybe I’ll start writing the book again; I think of lines for it often. I never thought I’d be doing physical-activity-type things – and I often felt like I was abnormal and couldn’t move fluidly. I’m starting to accept that, while I may not be absolutely perfect, and while my brain doesn’t connect to moving my limbs all the time causing me to be awkward and slow!, at least I’m trying.
I’d like to think, that if I. were still alive, he’d be way proud of me. I should be proud of myself.