The Past Post.

“Oh, yes. The past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.” – The Lion King

The Lion King came out in 1994. I was 10. I don’t know what I knew at 10, but 17 years later, I still feel like I don’t know much of anything.

I think my major problem is that I always. ALWAYS. carry my past with me. Now, seen from one perspective, that’s a good thing: It means I know where I’ve been, and where I want to go based on that. I’m talking about the other side of the spectrum. As in – I live in the past – and it’s not a strict intention. It just happens: I want the body I had when I was 17. I want the confidence I had when I was 7. I want to be able to go back and make things happen differently. I want to hold these things close.

That’s the thing about the past. It’s… well, in the past, and the present or future can’t change it. Beattie says that the past isn’t a mistake; mistaking the past for utmost truth is.

But for me, it’s all about some sort of control. The things that I’ve lost, the people that I lost, it’s as if… if I let them recede and settle, my brain says, “well, aren’t they important enough?”

To learn from the past is a good thing, but it’s also frightening. In accepting your past, you  accept what happened, not as utmost truth, but as it WAS. And a was that no longer is, is unfamiliar territory.

Perhaps it’s time to shake up that dusty ground a little. Which is terrifying to me. But who knows – I can’t find anything if I don’t search for it, right?

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