High low.

It seems like my life has been a lot of ups and downs lately. I’ve had a lot of good moments; I’ve been going out more, pushing myself to be more social, as exhausted as that makes me.  I’ve lost 7 pounds, I plan to exercise on a continual basis, and I’m trying to understand and take control of my problems. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to find balance.

A week or so ago, I was told: “It seems like you’re two people. You strike me as a loving, attractive, intelligent, bright, caring individual, and then you also have moments where you’re a real pain in the ass.” It’s all true. I try so hard to gain approval, I pay attention to things, I take real pride in learning something – and if I’m interested enough – trying to excel at it. I’m also my own worst enemy – my attitude, my crusades for “what’s right,” my feelings of unfairness, sometimes makes it so that I’m not taken seriously or listened to. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world, mostly because I know that I deserve to be listened to.

That’s what my intuition tells me, anyway. But I’m plagued by doubts and fears that I’m not good enough. That my anger issues will ruin me. That I spend too much time being reactive and not absorbing. One of my worst habits (I guess you could call it this) is to look to other people to build me up. To bounce ideas off of, to make sure that what I’m thinking is ok. To tell me how I am. I need to trust myself. So here’s what I know: I’m really smart. I’m generally thoughtful. I love a lot. I have a good sense of humor. I’m lazier than I should be. I still don’t think that I look all that great, but maybe that will change over time.

Beattie says that, when in doubt, to trust in yourself. And if you still have that doubt to place it out into the universe. Whatever plan there is, it’ll work out: “the plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.” It doesn’t mean I don’t have to work for what I want, though. Onward and upward.

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