Yes, I’m still watching “Mad Men.”
Yes, I now want to read the book on which this title is based.
Yes, I still think Vincent Kartheiser is ugly and I hate his pouty faces.
I find myself at crossroads at the strangest times these days. Tonight, while walking to voice lessons, I started to think about the guitar I’ve had since I was 16… and how I should get it fixed. SOMEONE tried to restring it and successfully busted two pegs. And then I started to think about the electric guitar that belonged to my ex. And how I’ll never play it, because I’m afraid of breaking it. And how I keep it, because it reminds me of him. But what do I need to keep an instrument around for, if I never play it?
And when I walked into the school tonight, I was met with a sign for I.A.N. (Irish American News) which – coincidentally, OR NOT SO COINCIDENTALLY – was my boyfriend’s name.
I’m still not sure whether this means I should keep the guitar or whether I should sell, but it’s nice to know that every now and then, he may still be out there somewhere.
But what do I care, really? Let me rephrase. I care. I care too much. I am, as discussed before, a past-dweller. I think about our relationship often. And what went wrong. And what went right. And how – 3.5 years later – I am still like this. When I should not be.
And you could say, “What is should?” Because the decisions I should have made in the time since I didn’t. And I made some really stupid decisions. I clung to people I should not have. And sometimes I feel as if I am moving on, and waking up, and being positive.
I am still not at a place where I am at peace with myself and my decisions. Is that sad? I don’t know. I don’t particularly think so (but maybe in this situation, I wouldn’t) – but I think that it’s all a part of this growing process (which, sadly, may take seventeen years? But I hope not…).
Anywho, that’s my emergency. And this is my meditation. Or, to be more specific, my rumination
Now let’s all do a big group “Ommmm…”
Have a good night, everyone.