Have Dress. Will Travel.

Disclaimer: I am having a serious, serious ugly day. Like, I just opened a bag of fun size variety Snickers and went to town on it. And I don’t even care that my waist is … okay. I care. I CARE A LOT…

WHY IS THE CANDY GONE?

I have three weddings to attend this year, but no car and no easy way to get to any of them. One of them I’m standing up in. I realize that this is where dates might come in handy, but I feel like that’s kind of like, “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, BUT DRIVE ME WHEREVER I WANT TO GO, FUCKER.”

And then I was thinking that, if this were a movie, I could just place an ad and everything would be fine and I WOULDN’T die because the dude wouldn’t be a psychopath (as is what sometimes happens in real life).

And meanwhile I’m back to my waist and like WTF, body? Can’t you enjoy a goddamn lettuce leaf for once?

I need a plan, and I don’t have one. You know why? Because plans are meant for people who stick to plans. And right now, I’m in serious Jodie-Foster-in-Nell-mode, “Taaayyy(-ing) in the wind.” (Did anyone else have to watch that movie in high school? If you didn’t, she says that line when she’s swaying with the trees. And if you haven’t gotten this by now, I’m a TAAAYER. I’M TAAAAAYING AWAY. AND GAAAAINNNING WEIGHT. AWWW YEAH.)

But no, sob sob sob, no. Ugh. I’m gonna go write plans up now.

Fuck.

Have a good night, y’all.

 

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