I was going to write yesterday, and then found myself at work for 17 hours straight. So, you know. You win some, and then you really don’t.
It was okay though, because then I didn’t have to completely focus on the craziness that runs rampant through my head nearly 24 hours a day. I had a task – TO SAVE THE DAY! – and I did it. Maybe poorly, but I did it.
One of the things I’ve been trying to (haphazardly) work on is to really focus inward. For example, I’ve known for a couple months now that in January my work schedule would change. And for practically 6 of my almost 8 years here work was my life. Weekends, nights, didn’t matter. What was the driving force? Well, the money was good, but it wasn’t as if I was getting paid a million dollars hourly to do so. Praise? Well, some people recognized and appreciated me, but I wasn’t made CEO, obvi.
So really, it was something to do to avoid dealing with my life, which with each year had its moments of complete unraveling (dead people? Check. Dead-end friendships/non-relationship relationships? Double check. Anger issues? I GOTCHU. The list goes on, but I’m not that prolific of a writer.) And I would take the shambles, and sweep them under the rug until the rug looked like a sculpture (er, maybe performance art?). And every now and then, I would be like, “Hey, that thing looks fucked up. Better not touch it. I wonder what’s going on at work right now…”
So, now, to the untrained eyes (mine) it seems that I have all this TIME IN WHICH TO DO THINGS. And now I have (almost) no excuse for not doing them. Not that I love doing things. I really don’t. Today, for example, I spent practically all day sleeping (whether out of laziness, impending sickness, or necessity I can’t tell). I also tried meditating (fell asleep), watching “Friends” (all 10 seasons! Netflix! GET ON THAT SHIT!… I fell asleep), listening to motivational speakers based on picture quotes that I found on Facebook (really can’t tell you how that happened, but it DID, and it still bored me enough to… you guessed it! Fall the fuck asleep).
I probably need the rest. I keep expecting to have epiphanies while I’m half asleep anyway, something to take away from all the clutter-worry that my brain likes to hoard (for safe-keeping, of course). But really, I just need to start telling myself better things (if my brain won’t stop thinking, I’d at least like it to have some sort of positive purpose). The world has its moments of kindness, but for a lot of the time, it acts like an asshole. And before we are mean to anyone, we usually are kind enough to start with ourselves. From there, it just flows like a neverending shitty river.
It’s an exercise in relearning how to interact, because for so long I have been quick to react to negative things. And I don’t expect it to be easy. (I listen to Taylor Swift. I know all about drama and frenemies.)
Long, tough roads ahead. I’ll try not to sleep through them, but I really make no promises.