As the Barenaked Ladies once sang, “Well you’re never gonna get it.”
For the second night in a row, I’ve been going to bed at a relatively decent hour and waking up at least an hour before my alarm. I haven’t figured out why; maybe my body is as pessimistically sarcastic as that Barenaked Ladies song.
I’ve been trying to meditate lately. I’m no good at it, and just when I think I may be getting good, I end up falling asleep instead. Okay, okay, so I’ve been doing it when I’m already in bed – and yes, I sort of use it as a tool to fall asleep now that I’ve seen it makes me fall asleep – but, I mean… I’m TRYING.
There isn’t that much I don’t worry about, and meditation is a tiny way to (sort of) get my brain on the right track. It’s as if my brain is a bowling ball with those kiddie bumpers, and every time it hits the sides, I’m like, “HEY LOOK! That’s a nice tangent, but you’re trying to hit pins here.” It… kind of works; there are days when it doesn’t matter how much I focus on my breathing, the train has already derailed before it’s left.
Sometimes it even brings out more anxiety, which is cool. I actually take it to mean that I’m brimming with anxiety all the time, or that I’m stressed out all the time. More often than not, I’ll just notice weird tensions. My body hates me, and while most of the time my muscles are as tight as if I were permanently walking around in a straitjacket (not easy to the casual observer!), I’ve been feeling that way for so long that it’s become normal for me.
Yesterday, I noticed that my hip was REALLY FUCKING HURTY, so I went to grab a tennis ball (not just for hitting things anymore, kids), and ended up slicing my finger on the little metal ring inside the tennis ball tube. It was then that I realized I had no bandaids, and remedied the situation by using a cotton square and scotch tape (who says I’m not resourceful?). … It wasn’t the greatest idea I’ve ever had, and now I’m going to get bandaids after work today.
Oh! Yes! I started my new position yesterday. It was a lot of alternating between sitting, and running up and down the stairs. I think, if this continues, I will be at my goal weight by Friday. It was weird, to say the least. After years of being continually stressed, and having to have solutions, and TO REACT IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE THINGS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!! I didn’t know how to just sit, and observe, and be. It made me nervous.
Kind of like meditation.
My alarm’s going to go off soon, so I might as well say adios. Have a good day, everyone! (I assume most of you are sleeping. Maybe sleep some for me?)