Til Sunbeams Find You.

“The ghetto boys are catcalling me as I pull my keys from my pocket. I wonder if this method of courtship has ever been effective. Has any girl in history said, ‘Sure, you seem so nice; let’s get it on?'” – Amanda Palmer, “Ampersand”

Okay, so. I’m an online dater. By dater, I really mean looker/chooser/WTF’er, because I haven’t been doing this that long and it cracks me up/scares me more than it actually helps me to, you know, date.

Maybe instead of running on with that sentence, I should have said, “Hi. My name’s Amanda. And I joined the online dating community.”

Don’t worry. I shuddered for you.

I figured I might as well take the plunge (or, in my case, a zygote step) because I lied to my baby sister about having a date (when really I was helping to plan a surprise party for her) and she was so excited that I had a date (and subsequently really upset when she found out it wasn’t true). Meanwhile, I started to think about what the lying had done to my romantic karma (I was lying for a good cause – surely, that would mean something. MAYBE THAT I’D DIE ALONE, but also… less drama?).

So, of course I signed up for a paid service, because free online dating is just an excuse for guys to be like, “BOOBS SERIAL KILLER LOL WUT” whereas paid is an excuse for guys to be the same way but they have a job.

I spent the first night laughing my ass off at different profiles.

“What do you wish people knew about you?”

Guy: “I WISH PEOPLE KNEW LESS ABOUT ME.”  (an answer strategically placed by a disclaimer that said the service did not do background checks, btw…serial killer)

Guys who cannot spell. “Deceast.” No, buddy. No. (Serial killer, probs.)

I have found that I am particularly snobby about spelling or obvious punctuation mistakes. I have found that I am particularly snobby about guys who come off, well, snobby. I have found that many men think it is an online dating rite of passage to 1) be in a tuxedo (oh, you know what a wedding is?) or 2) to be holding a child (I see what you’re doing there, but… is that someone you know? Or some kid you “borrowed”?).

I have found that I am getting matched with many men who are fat and bald, which makes me think that I am the lady equivalent. I am also getting matched with a lot of guys who “like, workout. Like the gym, man. Every day. Getting fit.” and that makes me just want to tell them that I tried Crossfit for 3 weeks and I stopped once I fell over. Literally, couldn’t take it. Wasn’t strong enough. Got up from a squat and my legs gave out. Not once, but twice.


And at first, I made funny little jokes on each section of my profile. “What are you looking for?” “Erm, idk, can you stand me? teeheeteehee (LADY SERIAL KILLER)” Have since toned down the jokes: “A sense of balance: I am good at reading and writing. You can be good at, say, taxes.”

Also, dudes are short these days. I can’t really talk because I am short as well, but it’s cool for me not to reach the top shelf at the grocery store.

So far, I haven’t answered anyone’s questions, because they are short or not my type, or FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO. I’ve only “sent a smile” to one person, who viewed my profile and has not communicated back, probably because I’m short and fat… but I have hair. At least I have that going for me.

Love in the time of 2015 online dating, friends.

What. The fuck. Am I doing.

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One thought on “Til Sunbeams Find You.

  1. I must say the crossfit section, hilarious! I thought it was just me!

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