This Year’s Love.

“If you love me, got to know for sure. ‘Cause it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies. Before I open up my arms and fall, losing all control, every dream inside my soul. When you kiss me on that midnight street, sweep me off my feet, singing ain’t this life so sweet?” – David Gray

STAGES:

1)

He said it after he had made me tacos. I was standing in his kitchen, compiling avocado on top of mine, when he said, “You know, I think I do love you.”

I said, “You… think?”

And he said, “Well, yes. I mean, we have a great time together. And we go out and have fun but we also can stay in and have fun, and we can do boring things like make tacos and I still enjoy it. So yeah, I think I do.”

And of course this made no sense to me. I, 16-year-old-trapped-inside-a-30-year-old’s body, don’t want you to think. I want you to know. Instant. Immediate. Knowledge. I pointed this out.

He shrugged. “I can take it back,” he offered, trying to be helpful (I think?).

“NO YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BACK ARE YOU CRAZY?!”

And so. There it was. Love, in all of its uncertain, understated glory.

2)

love

 

And beyond that night, the initial night, there was no mention. No good morning “P.S. I love you” texts, no sign off at the end of a phone conversation, just… slight understanding or misunderstanding. And then, he sent me this picture. And I found it so breathtakingly beautiful; it hurt to read, it was that good. I think, in truth, I fell in love not only with the words themselves but the line break… so perfectly timed.

I told him that I was fighting the urge to repost it immediately, but ended up doing so the next day (after I had properly researched the quote to make sure I could attribute it) because I could no longer help it. I read it, and read it, and read it again. It was still gorgeous. And he, remaining helpful, said: “The best part is I’ll never actually post that stuff… so all the people won’t realize that I’m the romantic one.”

And I said, “But what if I’m in a coma?”

“… I fail to see how posting on Facebook would bring you out of it.”

Damn.

3)

Oh, to be Facebook official.

Yelp lied and told me this bar was open but because of the holiday, it wasn’t open yet, so we spent an afternoon mostly walking around. At some point we started discussing Facebook officiality, which – if you’re getting the theme here – I wanted, and he… didn’t care. But, I said, I was going to wait until HE made it official.

“So.. wait,” he said. “Let me make sure I understand you. You want to be Facebook official, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re waiting for ME to make that happen?”

“Yes.”

“But all the people who know about us already know that we are going out.”

“Yes. All the ones who matter, anyway.”

“So, if we were being Facebook official, it would just be to tell the ones who didn’t matter in the first place.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re asking me, who has made it clear that I don’t Facebook, to post that.”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to rethink your position?”

“No. Okay. What if there’s some girl, right, and she’s REALLY INTO YOU, like, wants to get all up on that.”

“… that wouldn’t happen.”

“BUT WHAT IF IT DID.”

“There’s a reason I was online dating.”

“LISTEN! So, she’s all about you, and you become Facebook friends, and she’s like, ‘No girlfriend! He’s single!’ and then she tries to get all up on you, but then you’re like, ‘Oh, sorry. I have a girlfriend.’ But she didn’t see that, so it’s like you’re lying.”

“I think it’s obvious that, because I don’t post, most of the stuff on my feed is from you, and there’s that picture of the two of us. Someone should be able to put two and two together.”

“They don’t have to know. I could be your cousin.”

“The post that accompanies that picture clearly says that we’re on a date, Amanda.”

“Well… whatever. I’m just saying it could happen.  …I’ll wait.” That’s right. I DO make good points, thank you.

And then, like 4 hours later, he made it known to the Facebook world that we were in a relationship. I got the notification on my phone, of course, and though I was pretty pleased with myself (my solid logic prevailed, apparently) I asked him why.

He simply said, “Because it’s important to you.”

And that, right there. Love, certainly.

4)

I see his point, though. Most of the people who liked the fact that we are Facebook official already knew about us, either through verbal communication or this very blog. A few were people in high school that I haven’t talked to since then. I think most of the people who liked it were my friends or family, actually. So, in a way, he was vindicated in his position that no one really cares about what you post on Facebook.

… Except, I do. Especially where I am concerned. 🙂

And then it dawned on me:

WE ARE FUCKING OFFICIAL.

It’s a little scary. And lovely. But terrifying. And amazing.

Brain is overloaded.

Of course it was made better by the fact that last night, I dreamt about Ian. Who showed back up, at a wedding of some sort (yay trite subconscious!). I don’t know if it was my wedding (I don’t think it was; if so, I was grossly underprepared, which, okay, normal for me), but (as usual) he was like, “Okay, I’m back, I’m ready, let’s do this thing!” … and (as usual) he disappeared, and at one point there was a lot of blood. Not as terrifying as the dream I had in which he disintegrated in front of me, but… unsettling, to say the least.

It’s hard to let the past go. But for the first time in forever, I’m willing to. And it is really goddamn hard.

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