How to Have A Romantic Date.

1) Most importantly, spend money you may or may not have.

2) Buy a dress you think looks okay in the store.

3) Put it on as you’re about to leave for your date.

4) Instantly regret your decision for buying said dress, as the weather is humid, and also windy, and you think you’re gonna have problems.

5) Wonder when the fuck your thighs started to rub together. And know, without a doubt, problems are certainly headed your way.

6) Decide to go to Target after a heated discussion with self about:

  • 6a) taking public transportation even though you’re currently hiding behind a newspaper stand because you most certainly do not want to be seen right now.
  • 6b) taking a cab even though you know the driver has eyes.

7) Go to Target and buy shorts to put under dress, which greatly helps your confidence and your thigh problem. Also buy static cling reducer, which – because of the weather – doesn’t really do a damn thing. But hey! You have shorts now. If things get weird, who gives a fuck?

8) Meet date at restaurant, who tells you you look very pretty, and to stop worrying. He’s dressed up as well, and even wore a tie. He forgot a belt though, and that is how you know you two belong together.

9) Have first sushi date with date, who tries to tell you to use chopsticks as if you were holding a pencil, then goes “Um… wow. You don’t even know how to hold a pencil.”

10) Spill your chocolate martini all over the table, because your hand is cramped from the chopstick-tutorial. When the waiter comes to replace your chocolate-martini-soaked napkin, he does not replace it with another good napkin. You get the carryout napkins; it’s what you deserve.

11) Try to pick up appetizer with chopsticks. Success!

12) Try to fit it all in your mouth at once. Not success!

13) Shove the rest of the food in with your free hand, you classy broad.

14) Wonder how in the hell he’s not mortified.

15) Because you, while wondering HOW the gene pool determined you should be a female, are indeed mortified.

16) Smile multiple times, trying to act normal.

17) Date tells you, again, to stop worrying. And to take a breath. No, a real breath. Deep breath. There you go.

18) Try eel.

19) Once he pays for dinner, decide to walk to theatre, even though it’s pouring out.

20) You both have umbrellas. You got this.

21) Somehow still get a little wet, even though you both have umbrellas. You don’t care.

22) Pick up tickets.

23) Try to convince date that you REALLY NEED A PICTURE OF THIS MOMENT. Do so unsuccessfully.

24) He offers to take a picture of you, which he does, and you hate, because you think you look like a cow.

25) He tries to reassure you, again, that you are not a heifer of any sort, and that you are beautiful.

26) See show.

27) Love show.

28) (Kinky Boots, for anyone who cares)

29) Spend El ride back watching him alternately “train surf”

  • a) this means he stands there without holding onto anything, letting physics keep him unharmed even though you are anxiously picturing him fucking crashing into something, bleeding all over, dying

and try to recreate the finale from the show

  • b) you can take the boy out of show choir but you can’t take show choir out of the boy.

30) Sleep peacefully in the knowledge that tomorrow, you can get back to wearing jeans.


… And then today, I meet his parents. Wish me luck.

Have a good day, friends. Be kind to yourselves.

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2 thoughts on “How to Have A Romantic Date.

  1. Hahahaha #10! I’ve accepted that I cant wear skirts or dresses without leggings underneath, it took me about two years of entire summers in pain, it is what it is my dear! Good luck today don’t forget to breathe!

  2. […] I’ve also noticed is that trying to start your own business is a lot like dating when you’re desperate. You’re swiping right on every opportunity that comes along and […]

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