So Many Things Unclear, So Many Things Unknown.

“In a world of diminishing mystery, the unknown persists.” – Jhumpa Lahiri

Here are some things I find mysterious:

  • The fact that my Mac always has some trash in its recycle bin, even though I don’t delete anything.
  • That we have a presidential candidate who is like Satan on earth, but probs uglier, and people are like, “Yeah, reasonable!”
  • That I write, and then I get tired of writing, so I delete and I delete and I delete and it’s like it never happened AT ALL.

But, in general, I suppose life’s pretty mysterious. It’s amazing to me, still, how much time I can spend planning or counting on something to happen, and when that thing doesn’t happen, how distraught I am.

The whole experience of moving to a different city, of actually having to think about things instead of going through the motions, it’s been harder than I could have anticipated.

But I don’t think I would change anything. I needed to get out of Chicago. There was so much toxicity and bad mojo there and I wasn’t happy.

And yet, even in stagnation, there are sparks of growth and change. I started a temp job that was downright shitty. The company was small, a family-business type, where there was nothing but bickering all day. It filled me with paranoia and dread immediately, but I tried to ignore it the first two days I was there. The family had three dogs, all of which spent their days just pissing all over the place for fun. No one followed up on anything. It drove me nuts.

The Chicago Amanda, in this situation, would have stayed for longer than a week and a half. But nope. I couldn’t do it. So I gave my two weeks notice but the head douchebag was like, “nah, thanks bro,” and so I am currently unemployed (again).

I thought I was going to get an admin job. I didn’t. I interviewed for an office job today. I even drove myself there. I thought I was going to die the entire time, but I didn’t. I made some wacky turns into wrong parking lots, and if anyone saw me they might have thought I was drunk, BUT… I made it.

It was during this situation that I realized that my overthinking is troublesome. But habits are hard to break, so I’ll continue overthinking for the time being. NBD.

In the meantime, I’ve been reading a shit ton and I even have a story percolating in my head (but of course I am too scared or lazy to write it, but – you know –  I MAY). I’ve been exercising more (still terrible) and eating somewhat (mostly?) sensibly (goddamn awful. I want all the food). #ThanksALotWedding

I’m trying so hard to figure things out, to step out into what is largely unknown, and accept whatever happens. Because either I’m a really shitty planner, or a life that is planned isn’t truly lived at all.

Have a good night, friends. Be kind to yourselves.

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2 thoughts on “So Many Things Unclear, So Many Things Unknown.

  1. Asha Seth says:

    Enjoyed reading the post. Amanda. Particularly, the Lahiri quote.
    Well, would you feel any better if I said that the writing conundrum happens to me too. 😉

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