Everything hurts and I’m dying.

WELL IT SURE FEELS LIKE IT. (Thanks, Parks and Rec.)

For the past month, my health has been wonky as fuck. I’ve been to the ER twice – once for my stomach when I lost all appetite, wasn’t eating very much, which made my stomach hurt a lot and my digestive system a nightmare. CT was done, which showed a mass on my liver, but no other reason for me to be in pain.

The liver thing, according to the medical community, is called Focal-Nodular-Hyperplasia, a collection of tiny blood vessels in the liver – and it’s believed to be benign. I got an MRI done, and it’s a large-ass fucker, but otherwise, it won’t kill me (followup on this is in four months).

I went to the ER again – this time for my head. For a while now, I’ve been getting burning headaches – that’s not really an apt description because it doesn’t feel like a typical headache. It’s like my scalp is on fire. Like if someone put a cigarette out on my head. I feel like they typically get worse the more stressed I get – and y’all know I don’t get stressed EVER – buuuut, then I got a fuckin’ migraine, and then the left side of my face went numb twice in one week and I was like, “ZOMG STROKE!” … except that it wasn’t, no one knows what it is, my CT was fine, the MRI I got done was fine, the autoimmune tests came back fine, everything’s fine, fine, fine.

My body, in general, just burns. I, she-who-does-not-take-off-of-work, took two days off. I would have taken today off, too, but um, hello, money. But the burning is relentless and irritating, and sleep mocks the ever-living-fuck out of me. My leg and foot have also decided to join this game, by becoming swollen and hurty, and I’m having a weird time with balance as of late. I stand still, but I sway. I sit still, but I sway. I’m like an unsteady tree in a gentle breeze… which leads me to recant everything terrible I’ve ever done in this life, ever, because I must be paying for something in a previous one.

Anyway.

Tomorrow I have four doctors’ appointments, and if we’re lucky, maybe one of them might have a bright idea.  I’ve tried to write this post for over a week now and I kept putting it off because it wasn’t funny enough or laughable in some sad way. But sometimes the sad’s just gotta be put out there, regardless of whether I can make a joke. I am trying my best to remain positive throughout all this health stuff (because, despite my anxiety’s protestations, I am breathing right at this very moment). I also started anxiety meds again (Buspar for a few days and that was a big ol’ NOPE; now Paxil, which I’m maybe irrationally terrified of, but terrified none the less – and yes, I guess it is possible to have anxiety about your anxiety medications?).

Have a good night, friends. Be kind to yourselves.

 

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