Tag Archives: health

Whoooo are youuuu

I signed up for the 23andme kit about a month or so ago. I did the ancestry and health reports because I thought they’d be interesting.

Spitting saliva into a tube for some strangers to analyze is far less fun than you’d think. And for someone who drinks as little water as I do on a regular basis, it took a lot of strength and determination.

Dehydration is REAL, y’all.

Turns out I’m mostly European (weird! I know); I have an increased risk of macular degeneration as I age (my poor eyes never can catch a break) and…. and…. THE MOST SHOCKING THING OF ALL:

 

I HAVE MUSCLE COMPOSITION THAT’S COMMON IN ELITE POWER ATHLETES?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME WHILE I WAS SITTING ON MY ASS THAT I COULD HAVE WON THE FUCKING OLYMPICS?

I mean, this also says that I’m predisposed to “weigh about average” … haven’t seen average in a number of years, thank you! and that deep sleep thing is obvs true.

Who knows. I just feel like I’ve missed out on so many gold medals. I mean, I’d go for Bronze, even! And obviously, that one time I ran the marathon for SIX FUCKING HOURS was a lie.

I need time to process. They say it’s never too late… I’ve gotta live my dreams!!!

 

Which means I need to write a book, get published, go on tour, learn how to play the piano and guitar fluidly again, go on tour again, travel a bunch (unrelated to touring), get over my fear of public speaking (maybe related to touring), get another tattoo, shave my head, dye my hair purple, meet my idols, figure out who my idols are, learn how to swim properly, read Atlas Shrugged without stopping of boredom, act in a play, sing in a musical, do improv comedy, be revered on all social media channels except for Snapchat ’cause fuck that, write a really, really, really good script that most people enjoy, own multiple houses, climb a mountain, learn how to fold sheets correctly, AND SO MUCH MORE.

so. um. what’s yours?

 

Have a good night, friends. Be kind to yourselves.

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , ,
Advertisements