It’s probably because it’s available on Netflix, but I have a fierce urge to re-read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is quite possibly my favorite book in the entire world. I first read it for a YA Lit class in college, and ughhhhhh I fucking had all the feels immediately.
I give it to people if they haven’t read it. Not that I have a stockpile of the novel, but I think it’s safe to say that if it comes up in conversation and you say you haven’t read it, you’ll get it from me as a present. I believe in the power of this novel the way Jehovah’s Witnesses love themselves some Bible.
(In case you’re wondering, I did see the movie. I thought it was okay.)
At this time, I do not own a copy of Perks. I gave it to my wedding photographer on the day of my engagement pictures were taken because I had brought it with me for the shoot. She said she had never read it… and you know where this goes. The libraries are closed and I never could get into e-reading, which is funny considering how much time I spend looking at screens. So, maybe I’ll be ordering myself a copy of Perks to read in a few weeks.
In a few weeks, I’m quitting my full-time job. Technically, I will be starting another full-time job, but I’m taking some time off in between. Blessedly, work still exists for me much the same way it did in the before time, but the decision to take a few weeks to myself came before the collective mindfuck that is COVID chaos.
I can’t quite articulate how much of a strange experience it became for me to see how people’s lives changed in nearly an instant as they began working from home, or losing their jobs, or having to work and face incredible difficulties, regardless.
And then, there I was, as my husband would put it, type-type-typing, but with the added pressure that anything could change at any moment for any one of the people or companies I worked with. But, it’s fair to say that that situation could happen at any moment, anywhere, regardless of circumstance. It just feels heavier now. So, relying on Radiohead, I’ve just been trying the best I can.
It’s safe to say that the last year… maybe a year and a half, professionally and personally, was one of the hardest periods of my life. I very much failed and let people down and didn’t handle anything the way you may expect someone in their mid-30s to. I very much struggled. I was so depressed and so anxious and did not know how to say no or take a real break. (I still am, maybe not as bad, and I still don’t, but I’m learning a little.)
As I refer to it now, it would have been so much easier if I had just had a drug problem instead of just being a horrible person. (Alas. But you never know… I may get my Lifetime movie opp yet!). It just goes to show you that not everyone’s breakdowns are monumental events. (It would have been easier if mine was a monumental event – and if this WAS a movie, I would have had enough money to take a goddamn break while finding myself on a trail or a beach or a mental hospital. You know, now that I think about it, I wonder why people don’t find themselves while sitting on their couches. Because, like, I don’t exercise that much? And I have a real aversion to the sun? So many missed opportunities.)
And hence why… I’ll be taking that break. I’ll still be on the internets and on my phone, but somewhere along the way my relationship with social media and being online just changed. Interestingly enough, one of the things my current company required was a digital detox day every quarter. I never took one in the 3 years I was there, soooo they were probably on to something and I just missed it. (I might have, maybe, a tech addiction.)
(Also, because I know someone’s gonna read this and be like, “AMANDAAAAA NOOOOOO.”: I know I’m not REALLY a horrible person and that we all are our own worst critics. Objectively, I made some pretty terrible decisions and they probably weren’t the first terrible decisions I ever made, but they seemed to hit me differently. Subjectively, I just feel bad, a lot, constantly, as one is wont to do when they are not sleeping and dealing with personal hardships, mental issues and bad habits they’d rather ignore. I still feel like I’m scrambling and a disappointment. I am basically Andy Dwyer being fine. I know this isn’t entirely reality-based and I’m working on making better choices. Anyway what I’m saying is that I won’t take my own advice, but if any of this is resonating with you, too, because of COVID or life circumstance or PMS or other hardship: solidarity. here’s to taking things one day at a time, one moment at a time.)
I Swear Too Much 